Why coffee is nuts
And I ain’t talking about pistachio syrup
“Hiya, could I get a decaf latte with oat milk, please?”
“Sure. Would you like our medium roast or dark roast?”
“I’ll have the medium roast please.”
“And would you like regular or organic oat milk?”
“I’ll go for organic.”
“Sure. And is that hot or iced?”
“Hot!”
“Regular or large?”
“Large.”
“Double shot or single shot?”
“Just a single shot please.”
“And do you take sugar?”
“Yes, two sugars.”
“And do you want plain sugar, brown sugar, raw sugar, or stevia?”
“Gah! I really don’t mind!…Brown sugar! Why not!”
“And would you like that shaken or stirred?”
“Haha!”
“…”
“Is that a joke?”
“It’s not a joke. We can shake it for you if you like. It gives a better creme.”
“OK, sure?”
“And is that to have here or to go?”
“To go.”
“Do you have your own cup or do you need one of ours?”
“…I don’t have my own cup.”
“So, you need one of ours?”
“…well…yeah…”
“And do you want a paper cup, a plastic cup, or an eco-friendly cup?”
“Honestly I don’t really mind!”
“You don’t mind using single-use plastics?!”
“I…well…I…I’ll go for a paper cup then.”
“And would you like your name on your cup?”
“…Whaddaya mean?”
“Well, if your name’s not on your cup, we won’t know who to call.”
“Right. Fine. My name’s Harrison.”
“Is that with one ‘r’ or two?”
“Two.”
“And is that with two ‘s’s or one?”
“One!”
“OK. So, that’s a large, medium-roast, organic oat latte to-go for Harrison. Will you be paying with cash or with card today?”
“Card please.”
“Will you be using Mastercard or Visa?”
“Can I use AMEX?”
“I’m afraid we don’t accept AMEX.”
“Let’s do Mastercard then.”
“OK. And do you have a loyalty membership with us?”
“No.”
“Would you like one?
“No.”
“You get ten percent off all purchases and complimentary cookies on Thursdays?”
“No, I just want a coffee.”
“Sure. And would you like to receive our free Grinders Guild newsletter by email, or by post, with special offers on seasonal favourites and relevant industry scoops?”
“No absolutely not.”
“And do you have any vouchers or existing loyalty points that you’d like to redeem as part of this purchase?”
“No!”
“Even if you think they’ve expired?”
“No!”
“Would you like to add a tip?”
“Not at this point!”
“And would you like to make a small but significant contribution to our charity partner by rounding-up your bill today?”
“No! I don’t want anything else! I just want my coffee! I’m late!”
“I understand, sir. But to process the payment, I do need to know if you’d like to offset the carbon footprint of your purchase by adopting an endangered animal from the list which includes, but is not limited to, a panda, a penguin, or a sea turtle.”
“You’ve gotta be kidding me!”
“I take it that’s a no, then, sir?”
“YES!”
“You do?”
“NO! I DON’T!”
“OK. No problem. The card machine’s ready for you. Do you want to insert, tap, or swipe?”
[Taps]
“Oh, I’m afraid the card’s been declined, sir.”
“Well. I despair.”
“Sorry.”
“Can you give me proof of the declined transaction?”
“Of course. Would you like it printed or emailed to you?”
⬥
Here in the US, I hate the credit card tap vs chip vs swipe dance I have to do in front of every POS machine.
This is so true. Too many options, too many choices.
I read about this study where people were asked to choose a chocolate bar. Group A was given 30 bars to choose from; Group B was given 6. Regardless of what they chose, group A was always more dissatisfied.
We need better choices, but we need LESS choices.