A Beautiful Question

The Best Advice Never Given

“Always the beautiful answer who asks a more beautiful question.” - E. E. Cummings

For far too long, I got red-in-the-face angry when people didn’t pay me their full attention while I was talking to them. I’d see them checking their phones or getting distracted by something over my shoulder and I’d catastrophise: NOBODY CARES ABOUT EACH OTHER ANY MORE!

Then one day my business coach said, “We all fight the same few battles our whole lives, just with different people on different terrain. When people don’t pay you attention and you get angry, what old battle are you fighting?” Boom! That one question helped me understand it was a battle that began way back at primary school when I was excommunicated by some of the parents for being naughty. Adult me was conflating friends checking phones with a few parents who rejected the child me.

Now, whenever I feel the anger bubbling up, remembering that insight helps me get perspective, be kinder to myself, and keep hold of my friends!

In another exercise, my coach asked me what I was most afraid of in the world, then asked me why repeatedly until I sunk all the way down to my base need, which was freedom. He was using the 5 Whys technique¹ but taking it to the extreme—more like 40 whys!

But that one chain of questions helped me, among other things, move from being a business owner to being a travelling writer as I realised I valued freedom more than money or prestige.

Neither of those transformations would have happened if my coach had just tried to give me advice.

One of the magical qualities questions have is their ability to let you steer conversations without being controlling or even obvious. As they discuss their answers to your questions, people will believe it’s they who are leading the discussion, but it’s actually you.

This is counterintuitive but incredibly helpful for just about any sort of situation where a friend, partner, family member or colleague needs help getting unstuck.

A favourite of mine is to ask, “How would you support your own child or friend in this situation?” This question helps people see the discrepancy between how well they treat others compared to how poorly they treat themselves—and it often results in them feeling clearer on how to move forward.

With questions, we can guide people without guiding them. We’ve got two ears and only one mouth for a reason.

When we ask genuine, open and beautiful questions, we are empowering people in the most effective way possible: First, by giving them the rare gift of being listened to. Second, by allowing them to unearth the insights themselves and own their analysis, which is good for their self-confidence and retaining what they learn.

Here’s the thing: Asking questions only gets you so far; you’ve got to try and answer them to get the best results.

For example, if you often wonder “Why does X keep happening to me?” and you don’t answer the question, then you’re bound to stay locked in a disempowering loop. But if you try to answer it, you’ll probably end up addressing the problem, or at least you’ll learn something helpful or interesting.

Question + Answer = Progress

Question – Answer = Philosophy (or just another question!)

So if you truly want to help people succeed—including yourself—then don’t give advice. Don’t make statements or give instructions or declare anything. Don’t try to share any knowledge at all. Instead, seek it.

Ask a beautiful question.

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Some beautiful questions

What would love do next?

What lie do I tell myself often?

What questions scare me the most?

Why don’t I know more of my neighbours?

How can I encourage better questioning in others?

What if I come at my work or my art in a whole different way?

What do I need to say no to, or yes to, in order to get what I want?

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Thanks to Jen Dyck-Sprout, Brenda Greary, Chris Coffman, Georg Bulmer, CansaFis Foote, Diana-Maria Demco, Anna Kogan Nasser, Kora Kwok, Andrew Printer, Karena de Souza, Trupthi Shetty, Henri James, and Chris Wong for reading drafts of this—and the whole Write of Passage team for helping me hone my craft.

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Want more creative ideas? I’ve grouped my writing into 3 themes:

✍️ Creativity & writing →

💔 Ideas I didn’t date →

🛶 Personal stories →

You can read my writing mission here →

1.  The 5 Whys technique was originally developed by Sakichi Toyoda who said that "by repeating why five times, the nature of the problem as well as its solution becomes clear.