βAlways the beautiful answer who asks a more beautiful question.β - E. E. Cummings
For far too long, I got red-in-the-face angry when people didnβt pay me their full attention while I was talking to them. Iβd see them checking their phones or getting distracted by something over my shoulder and Iβd catastrophise: NOBODY CARES ABOUT EACH OTHER ANY MORE!
Then one day my business coach said, βWe all fight the same few battles our whole lives, just with different people on different terrain. When people donβt pay you attention and you get angry, what old battle are you fighting?β Boom! That one question helped me understand it was a battle that began way back at primary school when I was excommunicated by some of the parents for being naughty. Adult me was conflating friends checking phones with a few parents who rejected the child me.
Now, whenever I feel the anger bubbling up, remembering that insight helps me get perspective, be kinder to myself, and keep hold of my friends!
In another exercise, my coach asked me what I was most afraid of in the world, then asked me why repeatedly until I sunk all the way down to my base need, which was freedom. He was using the 5 Whys technique1 but taking it to the extremeβmore like 40 whys!
But that one chain of questions helped me, among other things, move from being a business owner to being a travelling writer as I realised I valued freedom more than money or prestige.
Neither of those transformations would have happened if my coach had just tried to give me advice.
One of the magical qualities questions have is their ability to let you steer conversations without being controlling or even obvious. As they discuss their answers to your questions, people will believe itβs they who are leading the discussion, but itβs actually you.
This is counterintuitive but incredibly helpful for just about any sort of situation where a friend, partner, family member or colleague needs help getting unstuck.
A favourite of mine is to ask, βHow would you support your own child or friend in this situation?β This question helps people see the discrepancy between how well they treat others compared to how poorly they treat themselvesβand it often results in them feeling clearer on how to move forward.
With questions, we can guide people without guiding them. Weβve got two ears and only one mouth for a reason.
When we ask genuine, open and beautiful questions, we are empowering people in the most effective way possible: First, by giving them the rare gift of being listened to. Second, by allowing them to unearth the insights themselves and own their analysis, which is good for their self-confidence and retaining what they learn.
Hereβs the thing: Asking questions only gets you so far; youβve got to try and answer them to get the best results.
For example, if you often wonder βWhy does X keep happening to me?β and you donβt answer the question, then youβre bound to stay locked in a disempowering loop. But if you try to answer it, youβll probably end up addressing the problem, or at least youβll learn something helpful or interesting.
Question + Answer = Progress
Question β Answer = Philosophy (or just another question!)
So if you truly want to help people succeedβincluding yourselfβthen donβt give advice. Donβt make statements or give instructions or declare anything. Donβt try to share any knowledge at all. Instead, seek it.
Ask a beautiful question.
~~~
Some beautiful questions
What would love do next?
What lie do I tell myself often?
What questions scare me the most?
Why donβt I know more of my neighbours?
How can I encourage better questioning in others?
What if I come at my work or my art in a whole different way?
What do I need to say no to, or yes to, in order to get what I want?
Thanks to
, Brenda Greary, , Georg Bulmer, , Diana-Maria Demco, , , , , , Henri James, and for reading drafts of thisβand the whole Write of Passage team for helping me hone my craft.Want more creative ideas? Iβve grouped my writing into 3 themes:
βοΈ Creativity & writing β
π Ideas I didnβt date β
πΆ Personal stories β
You can read my writing mission here β
Β The 5 Whys technique was originally developed by Sakichi Toyoda who said that "by repeating why five times, the nature of the problem as well as its solution becomes clear.
...the question is the answer...also how freeing to live only in quest of questions...discovery vs. certainty...exploration instead destinations...become a traveler of the mind...
I love this. I know we've talked about this principle before, but the example questions at the end are a proper gift... I've printed them out to stick on my fridge! β€π