You’re terrible with names
Here are 20 practical and ludicrous ways to learn them again without admitting you forgot
"Names are the currency of social interaction. And I'm perpetually broke." - Unknown
HOW MANY TIMES have you heard, “I’m so bad with names”? Perhaps you've said it loads yourself. I know I have.
I've always struggled with names, ever since I realised that remembering them would require a lot of work I wasn't particularly willing to do.
With that in mind, I present this list of methods for relearning names without admitting you forgot.
Short of going through peoples' bins or stealing their ID, these perfectly legal hacks range from the simple and practicable to the questionable and the downright "it's obvious what you're doing and it's stupid but I appreciate the effort you're putting in so I'll let you off." In any case, I think they all can work.
Just quickly though, why is remembering names so hard (and maybe even getting harder)?
Is memorisation a skill we're losing because we're not meeting IRL as much any more?
Are we developing a deeper and more nuanced understanding of the "self" and realising that we are not our names?
Are our elders to blame for being so unimaginative in using the same few classic names for generations past, thus thwarting the natural development of our name-bearing abilities?
Whatever the reason, the struggle is real. So real it’s earned its own verb in the Scottish dictionary. The next time you feel that unique sense of dread introducing someone whose name has slipped your mind, you are what the Scots would call "tartling."
So. Here's to a future free of tartles.
And to forgetting names with confidence! 🍻
20 practical and ludicrous ways to relearn names without giving the game up
📞 Phone a friend
The easiest way is to ask someone else who knows them. It’s not rocket science is it.
🪫 Get social
Ask them to follow you on socials but ensure you already have your phone off, claiming you're out of juice.
🔤 Practise your ABCs
Flat out ask them how exactly they spell their name, whilst wearing a puzzled and intensely curious look on your face (warning: use this method only when you know their name is weird).
🐯 Get on nickname terms
Ask them if they have (or ever had) a nickname. That should surface their actual name.
👩🏫 Become an historian
Ask them if their name has any meanings. Is it an animal? An object? A geographical location?
👣 Wrongfoot them
Ask for their name and when they say their first name with a scornful look, recover by saying, "No, I meant your surname dummy."
📊 Conduct market research
Google yourself and show them what comes up. Then suggest they do the same.
🕺 Put stars in their eyes
Cite a famous person who shares your first name and be like, "You know what? I hate sharing a name with that person. Have you got someone you hate sharing names with?"
🎧 Go hands-free
Put your earphones in, walk up to them and say a random name. When they correct you, tap your ear and say, "Phone call."
🧩 Play Trivial Pursuit
Quiz them on how many songs they know that have their name in.
🗣️ Roll your r's
Tell a story about the most distorted pronunciation of your name you ever heard and ask them to tell their story. Ask how they'd pronounce their name in French or Italian.
🪪 Compare pics
Show them a picture of, and whinge about, your embarrassing driver's licence or ID photo. Then ask them how they feel about theirs.
📅 Call their bluff
Bet them you can guess their birth month having "gotten to know them so very well.” You can claim your confidence comes from knowing star signs or something. When they tell you their birth month be like, "No way! It can’t be," which should prompt them to get out their ID and prove it.
☕ Roast them
Take them to Starbucks, give them cash and ask them to order the drinks. Then listen closely for the barista yelling their name.
🔙 Put it in reverse
Say your own name backwards and ask them what they think you're saying. Once they've solved the puzzle they'll naturally say their own name backwards. You'll then just have to work it out and hope it's not too long.
🎂 Celebrate
Tell them it’s your birthday coming up and how much you despise digital communication for rendering birthday well-wishing so impersonal, and how much you adore those thoughtful people who still send you proper paper birthday cards.
🙊 Find your namesakes
Suggest that at the count of three, you both yell your names out loud in a public place and see how many people turn your way.
🎤 Sing karaoke
Challenge them to perform a rendition of Eminem's My Name Is, only as themselves, not as him.
🤢 Get wasted
There's a thing called state-dependent memory which basically means if you were under the influence when you first heard their name, then putting yourself back into that state can bring it back.
🐲 Turn Pikachu
And if nothing else works, you can always throw a Pokémon-themed party at which they must communicate as the Pokémon version of themselves. Apparently the only noise a Pokémon makes is its own name 🤷♂️
Have fun out there folks. See you next time. ⬥
Thank you Corina at and Anna at for your feedback and edits.
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...there is also the foolproof call everyone Jim...
I clicked on this thinking ‘no way he can come up with 20 ways to find out someone’s name’ lol I love it! Didn’t expect it to be this much fun!
And I really am so bad with names. I don’t even forget the names, I just forget to even try to remember the name when they say it. It doesn’t each my brain in the first place.
I usually go for asking them their last name and then social stalking to find out the first name. Or asking them to put their number into my phone but handing it to them with the cursor on the name, so they naturally type in their name as well. If not, there’s always a chance they have some version of their name on their WhatsApp profile which I can then check.